My first STD was from a foam party
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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