Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I think a kid would responsible me up
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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