Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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