when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
