he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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