I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
