The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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