So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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