Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
