Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
