You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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