Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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