Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
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the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
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It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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