He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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