Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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