I think im going to throw up on grandma
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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