3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The uberlube is also flammable
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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