normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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