I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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