What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
