He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you win again, gameday.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
