Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
