I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
