im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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