You can't special order awesome
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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