I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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