Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
