drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
