he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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