What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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