On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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