So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
