i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
