Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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