I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Houston, we have a squirter
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
