I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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