I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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