My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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