how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
So gin and wine won't be happening again
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
