Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
