I think I died a long time ago.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
