Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Randomize
