you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Randomize
