My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
