Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
