This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
