If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
