i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Actions speak louder than pants.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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