i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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