20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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