i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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