I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
