I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
being pregnant is like rehab
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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