Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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