Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
