Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
