I think I won the penis lottery.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
