i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
