eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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