i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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