Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
two words...techno handjob
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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