I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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