Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
